


The Optimistic Look On Pessimism

by rains



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Humor, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Humor, Lung Metastases, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, thyroid cancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1814659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rains/pseuds/rains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She talked with my mother about my progress, and how my body seems to be working right now, she also said that contrary to common belief, college was actually helping me, taking my head out of the disease and talking with other people. She was basically saying that living my life was helping me keeping my life."<br/>Marco Bodt had Thyroid Cancer when a kid, one year later they found he had lung metastases, since then he's been depressed, but everything starts getting better once he decides living his life and start going to college and meets someone really special there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Optimistic Look On Pessimism

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry about this, english is not my first language so if there are any mistakes just tell me. And if you find a mistake about my research (on cancer and stuff) PLEASE tell me!  
> This is it, I hope you guys like it!

Having a disease that might end up being terminal is always a stress. Even more when you are a teenager and that makes you deprived of all good stuffs of life, and when you go through all that stress without a friend to help you do it, it gets kind of lonely and sad. But that never affected me, I still had my family, and they were always there to help me. My mom, my dad, my sister and my brother, they seemed to have adapted their lives so I could be the center of it, and that was really uncomfortable. Mom didn't work, she was always at home in case of any emergencies, dad worked as a Physics teacher in the local high school, my brother, Marshall, worked in a book store so he could make himself some money, I always knew that was a lie, I knew that my family is drowning in debts and he was helping them, and I knew that they are drowning because of me.

Everything started when I was twelve, I had thyroid cancer. Thyroid nodules are a huge concern when found in a patient under the age of twenty, and guess what, there were still eight years left for me to not be concerned. I did the treatment and everything was fine for a while, until the doctors found I had lung metastases. I did the treatment, this time more radical than before, and then I had to adjust myself.

It was pretty damn hard to become familiar with those nasal cannulas, the wires always got tangled in everything and don't even start me with that oxygen tank, it was like hell to walk with that, it was heavy and everybody stared at me like I was part of a freak show, well, they still stare at me like I am part of a freak show, but I got used to it. And of course everything around me existed to remind me that I have cancer, my oxygen tank that I literally could not live without, my parents and siblings having to give everything away so I could have a little chance to live, people always doing me little favors like they owe me something, for God's sake I have cancer, it's not like you killed my mother. For the first three years, it was hell. But after that I was fine.

 

I was nineteen when I met him, I had cancer for seven years, and metastasis for six, my hair grew back, I got used with my lungs drowning in liquid every now and then, it's always a pain in the ass, but I knew that it was going to happen soon or later.

In that summer I was really revaluing my choices, I was getting bored of my life, and the thing that bothered me the most was the fact that I was nineteen and this was my last year as a teenager and I barely lived it. Since I got sick my parents paid a tutor to give me classes at home, I had only one friend, and he was my brother.

I talked with my parents about going to college, surprisingly they reluctantly agreed, and I didn't even get the chance to use my little speech about how I wanted to live my life. So we had a lot of paper work to do, and we sent applications to almost every college in the state.

I got approved in all of them; there was a law or something that kinda forced everyone to accept me in these things. So I got to choose, and Rose University was my choice.

 

My father looked worried and my brother looked broken, he was always my older brother and he was always there to protect me, he was scared that he was not going to be able to do that anymore. My sister was at the car sleeping.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You can still back off." he asked hopefully.

"Yes, I'm sure. And there's no reason to worry, my dorm is just right beside the infirmary and there's a hospital just across the street. Besides, if you save some money you can buy a flat around here, huh?" I suggested playfully.

"I think I might, so I can keep an eye on this little brother of mine, he's always getting in trouble, you see, I always took care of him but now I'm not going to be able to do it."

"I'm pretty sure you will. You must be the most awesome brother ever; he's such a lucky guy." I laughed.

"I'm going to miss you Marco." he admitted hugging me.

"I'm going to miss you too." I replied holding him tight. He let me go and then I noticed mom's absence. "Dad, where's mom?"

"Right here sweetheart, I was just checking who your roommate was going to be, oh he's a really sweet guy, you're going to like him. And he's a sophomore in nursing." so that was what all of this was about, of course they just wouldn't let me live with someone totally normal.

"You've met him?" I asked.

"Oh yes, he was checking his roommate as well. And Marco, sweetie, you don't have to worry to show up for those instructive things, I talked with this receptionist and she said they were useless and you were only going to get more confused about the campus." my mother said smiling. "Now you two go carry his things to his dorm."

After they said goodbye I saw myself alone. My posters were glued to my bed's wall, and right next to my bed there was also that huge machine that helped me breathe while I was asleep, I always forgot the name (oxygen concentrator I remembered later), so I called it Lungs. My desk was organized with my things and my closet was full with my clothes. I had an extra closet full of medicine and that kind of stuff for when I felt bad. I was looking at that closet when it hit me; oh God, I had cancer! I was never going to be able to live by myself, I was so screwed, how the hell did my parents let that happen? I was in the middle of my little attack when someone entered the room.

I guessed he was my roommate. He had a ridiculous two toned undercut hair and a horse face, he was gorgeous.

"I'm guessing you are Marco Bodt." he said.

"Yes, you must be my roommate. I don't actually read the list so I don't know your name." I said feeling bad; he seemed like a nice guy so far.

"Oh, sorry, I'm Jean Kirschtein. Nice to meet you."

 

The first week went smoothly, Jean helped me with my medications, and with my oxygen concentrator, but we didn't talk much. I made some friends during my classes; Armin Arlert, Connie Springer and Sasha Blouse were the ones that I talked the most with. But this one day I saw myself having lunch with Reiner Braun, Berthold Hoover, Annie Leonhardt, Krista Lenz and Ymir, well, I don't know Ymir's surname, and she made it clear that I would never know, I don't think she likes it.

"So, what's wrong with your nose? You're always wearing those things." Ymir asked with her usual threatening tone.

"These?" I asked pointing at my nasal cannula, she nodded. "They're nasal cannula, they help me breathe." I said simply.

"Why do you need help to breath?" she asked again.

 "I had lung cancer when I was thirteen." I told the short story, I didn't like saying too much about it, because when I did it seemed that people pitied me even more.

"Oh, if you have cancer then why you're not bald?" Reiner asked.

"Oh my god, Reiner, you can't just ask people why they're not bald!" Berthold repressed him. Then they started one of those couple fights that you just simply stay away, until Annie intervened because class was just about to start.

 

Me and Armin were walking together to sociology class, when he actually asked me an interesting question about my sickness, one of those questions that you plan the answer during showers and before falling asleep.

"So, Marco, you've been some time in the hospital, right?" he began.

"Uh, yeah." I replied a little bit nervous about what he was going to ask.

"Do people actually tell stories and tales there?" he asked, eyes shimmering and all.

"Yeah, they actually did." I replied smiling and remembering my brother reading "The Hobbit" and "The Lord of The Rings" to me the first time I went to the hospital to do a surgery. "In fact you'd be surprised on how that helps, the first time I did a surgery my brother read a bunch of Tolkien books and tales to me. And when I was doing chemo there was this old lady called Petra who always gather the cancer patients and would tell the most awesome and beautiful stories ever. There wasn't one kid who didn't like her or her stories."

"Is that why you want to major in literature?" Armin questioned.

"In fact yes, that's why I want to major in literature, because, honestly, that old lady made a change in my life and that's what I want to do, I want to change people lives in the same way that Petra changed mine: with words."

 

While I was in the middle of my sociology lecture I received a text from Jean, I found it weird since we don't text each other, in fact we never talked outside dorms.

**From: Jean K.**

**hey marco, i was wondering if u saw my violin, if you did just tell me, 'k?**

I didn't remember seeing any violins in our room, in fact, I didn't even know he had a violin.

**To: Jean K.**

**Oh, I didn't even know you played. Sorry about that, but if I can help just let me know.**

Let's be honest here ok? Jean didn't looked like the guy who played such a classical musical instrument, he looked more like the guy who played the guitar all by himself and shot nasty looks at other people as they passed by, but I also didn't know him very much at the time, so who was I to judge?

 

"No mom, I'm fine, I don't have to go to the hospital." my mother and I were talking on the phone and she was insisting that I was on the verge of death, which I actually was, but I always am.

"Are you sure sweetie? Do you want me to visit now?" she inquired.

"No mom, I have classes after lunch and a lot of homework to do."

And we kept our conversation like this for half an hour, until my father came home and I heard him scream: "Drop the phone Doris, let the boy live his life." and she finally said goodbye after double checking if I was fine.

I actually lied to my mother, I had no classes after lunch on Thursdays, but I did have a lot of homework to do so I was basically just stay at the dorm and do nothing for the rest of the day, and that was what I did.

I really was going to stay and do my homework, but in the moment that I sat down the door opened and Jean appeared with a girl at the doorstep.

"So here I am, thanks Mikasa." I heard him say while I pretended to be concentrated in what the hell Luís Vaz de Camões meant with the death of Inês de Castro, but after two seconds I looked at the door and it was closed while Jean was standing there awkwardly.

"If you ever want to bring a girlfriend over just text me and I'll find somewhere else to go." I said trying to sound nice and with a little bit of guilt showing up in my voice because Jean wasn't getting laid because of me.

"Boyfriend."

"I'm sorry Jean, what?"

"Boyfriend not girlfriend." he explained, I was in shock, what the fuck? I would've never guessed, but again, I didn't know him very much. "If you're not fine with it just don't bother me because of that and I won't bother you."

"Oh no, no, I'm completely fine with it, it's just that I never imagined that you were gay." really smooth Marco, congratulations.

"Oh, then it's fine." he relaxed. "And what about you?" he asked sitting on his bed.

"Me? I do-don't know, I'm not a very person's guy. NO! Not like that, I'm not asexual, and there's nothing wrong with that either, it's just that I never had the time to worry about that, or, you know, the chance to interact with living human beings. So I don't actually know what I like." I said everything at once and then had to stop to catch my breath. God, my lungs sucks.

"So, how old are you?" Jean asked me abruptly after a long time of awkward silence.

"I am nineteen years old." Yeah, I know I didn't look nineteen, maybe because of my swollen face and my freckles made me look like a kid. "What about you?"

"Me? I am eighteen." he smirked. I am such a fail, he is one year younger than me and was a fucking year ahead me. And guess what? He didn't even look that bright. Of course that I didn't know him well, so he could've been a genius and I wouldn't have a clue, but honestly, we are talking about Jean Kirshtein. Of course that after the violin and the gay thing nothing about that boy could surprise me.

"Jean, did you find your violin?" I remembered.

"Yeah, it was under my bed, I'm sorry if I caused any problem because of that." he said looking embarrassed. And I know I shouldn't say that, but Jean looked really cute embarrassed.

"I think it's really nice." I smiled.

"What?" He asked looking really confused.

"The violin, I think it's a really nice instrument and the sound is really calming and pretty." I tried to explain, and completely failing, the awkwardness in my voice was so visible that probably even the door got embarrassed.

"Really?"  He exclaimed excited. "I mean, really?" he asked calmer, trying to look cooler. "Most people think is a huge turn off."

"I know I'm not an expert, but I think that's a turn on." I regretted saying the words in the moment they came out of my mouth. Jean was blushing so hard that I thought he was going to explode, congratulations loser! You probably ruined the only chance you got to befriend your roommate.

"Did you know that the strings from the bow are made of horse hair?" What? What are you even talking about Jean? "White hair can make the sound smoother, while black hair can make the sound rougher." I got really confused, but later I found out that when Jean's embarrassed he changes the subject almost completely.

"Jean, could you play the violin for me?" I asked trying to give an end to that awkward situation.

"I don't play for other people, sorry."

 

It was my first doctor appointment since I got into college, so I was pretty damn nervous. What if she decided that I shouldn't go to college anymore, that I was only getting worse and college was doing no good to me, of course I didn't agree with that, actually I never felt so good in my life, I had friends that weren't my siblings, I was doing great in every class and never felt so healthy in many years.

"Ok Marco, are you ready for the results?" Doctor Noel asked me that very same question every appointment since they first discovered my thyroid nodule. I nodded. "Everything seems to be good, actually, this is the best I've ever saw you. You seem happy and your body is the healthiest that it can be."

I let out a breath, relaxing. "But don't you think for a moment that you can stop taking your meds, ok? You are only like this because of them." she warns me. "Not even the anti-depressives, but how you seem to be happy, instead of one pill in the morning and one at night, what about one every night, huh?"

 "Yeah, it's fine." I said calmly, but trembling from excitement inside, when doctors start cutting medicines it means only two things: or you are about to die and there is nothing they can do, or you are getting really better, and in this case it was obviously the latter.

"But I still want you to do that radiography, ok?" she was signing some papers and giving them to my mother. "Now I am going to ask you some personal questions."

"Ok." I answered, I hated those "personal questions", they were the uncomfortable type of personal questions.

"So are you sexually active?"

"No." I blushed slightly. Then she asked a bunch of other useless questions.

"And what about your psychologist?"

"I am seeing her once a month like you recommended." Doctor Zoe was an exotic person, always excited about everything a little bit intimidating.

"That's good, and now the final question, is college stressing you?" she asked with a serious face.

"No, in fact, I have never been more relaxed in my entire life." I replied smiling.

After that she talked with my mother about my progress, and how my body seems to be working right now, she also said that contrary to common belief, college was actually helping me, taking my head out of the disease and talking with other people. She was basically saying that living my life was helping me keeping my life.

 

I was waiting for my name to be called by one of the blond-haired receptionists by playing with the wires of my nasal cannula when I saw a glimpse of that ridiculous two toned undercut.

"Jean?" I called, his head turned into my direction.

"Marco? Hey." he looked surprise to see me there. "Is everything alright?" his eyes widened.

"Yes, just waiting to do a radiography." I smiled, but, what the hell was he doing here? "What about you?" I asked really concerned.  

"I'm fine." he answered, then I looked at him in a way that asked "then what are you doing here?" and thank God he understood. "Uh, it's difficult, my mother, she is here." Oh, he was waiting for the visiting hour, but family could enter at any time. Except, oh God, Jean's mother is in coma.

"Then I hope she gets well soon." I truly wished that, there were a lot of people that I got to know in my time at the hospital during the years, and surely the family of people in coma were the ones that made even sadder. They were so full of hope, most of them truly believed that everything was going to be fine, but when they stopped showing up out of the blue, I knew what was happening. Mostly because when someone wakes up from a coma there is a massive fuss in the whole hospital, and the family still shows up all the time. But when they completely stopped, that was when my heart shattered in pieces.

"Marco Bodt." I heard an obnoxious voice say while Jean opened his mouth to say something. I got up and walked to the table where the blond receptionist number 2 called me. "Just turn to the right in that corridor, and then to the left and once more to the right and you'll be there." he said.

"Thank you." I replied. "Goodbye Jean, see you later." I waved at him.

The worst part about radiographies is that you need to stay still, and I couldn't stop thinking about Jean all alone, trying to speak with his mother but without a response. I don't know where I would be without my parents, probably dead, but that's not the point. It was really difficult trying to stay still with all that thoughts going through my mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, if you found any mistakes on anything about cancer and etc here PLEASE tell me.


End file.
